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[28 May 2007|11:26pm] |
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mood |
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 exanimate |
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Not the usual self pitty rant here. Too long sense I've written in this, for the what its worth deparment I suppose I've put my writting efforts towards a more productive goal but am still waiting to see how much will come from all of this. Life has picked up, with the warm weather I feel free again and with my leg healing up some what nicely I'm able to drive. If it weren't for the under-age scotch on rocks I had I would most likely be driving right now. I suppose I'm content, I'm unemployed going on three months now (longest I've gone without a job sense 13) and am really just scraping to get by. My best days are now spent playing my guitar on the side of the road for nickles and doing homework assingments for a prospective record deal. I feel as out of place as ever and yet more at home then before, I've settled into the norm of transition and accepted change for the glory of newness. I'd like to say its all the same, we're all the same and life will continue each consecutive summer with old friends and warm nights. But age is presenting a more clear picture. I've found myself feeling sorry for people that I never thought I would, people who don't move, rocks in the current that let the river run by, and more then ever I am the piece of drift would that is quickly in and out of their time.
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Comments: a pattern precise
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[06 Feb 2007|11:58pm] |
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mood |
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 fuck it |
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Certainly unaware of what is going on around me. I'm at a complete loss right now and for no reason have slummed into this depressed uninflated state. Where did my aspirations go, what did I think I was getting into, who the fuck are these people? I don't stand on the same ground as you.
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Comments: 2 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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| Knew rith-ums Knew R-Imes |
[29 Jan 2007|08:05pm] |
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I'm east coast leavin' 'cause I'm west coast dreamin' gunna fly by night 'cause the world that I'm leavin' behind sight at 20 is never 20\20 so excusse me if this all sounds little funny to you and me its true you see you better not judge, 'cause the jurys still deliberating an' I won't budge on my motives or modes of transportation that go from the corner of the country to the golden gate the glows, I'm leavin NYC, an' lovely lady liberty, gunna take what I can get and I guess the rest is free for me and you its true you better do what your supposed to do, I'm California dreamn' until my face is...blue.
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Comments: 1 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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[04 Jan 2007|09:14am] |
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I'd expect this tension yes, because between us, these sheets, this bed, and I've been rolling all your words so sweetly in my mouth and waiting for the moment your movement lets them out. Its action, this attraction, words won't do what they mean to.
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Comments: 1 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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[22 Dec 2006|07:24am] |
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mood |
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 so confused!!! |
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Misdirection is hugging my bones. It seems that I was born a problematic child of discontent. I feel as if I have no forward motion again and am wondering if it is just the season or if I have truely fucked this all up. I quit my job, and dropped out of school, I feel as if these were decisions a child would make and made for a cause unrealistic. My music? Is this now supposed to carry my life? I hope I've done things right, I hope I make me what I want to be.
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Comments: 3 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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| work work work |
[02 Dec 2006|09:48pm] |
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This weekend is going to be long, alot of work to be done, between flooring and common man. I'm pissed off that even though I found somone to cover my shift at the c-man my boss wouldn't give me the day off, really just straight out discrimination, he would have done it for other people there. I'm pretty sure this entire place is riddled with inequalities but it still makes me just as mad when I have one hit me in the face. I mean for christs sake I'm standing out in tempuratures well below freezing with no heat, parking peoples cars for 7 bucks an hour, and you can't give me a fucking day off? I mean the place still owes me sixty dollars. Yes, but, isn't this just my nature, I'm never truely satisfied, never really at ease enough to sit back and relax. The day I leave, is the day I live, the day I"ve been waiting for.
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Comments: 3 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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[27 Nov 2006|10:01am] |
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mood |
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 broke |
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I'm stuck, half way between a breakdown and surpassing this situation with lack of concern. My oh my how this place has once again managed to suck the happiness out my body and leave a shell of me here. I'm baffled still at my situation, and how everytime I make forward progress, there is a rope tied to my leg pulling me back. I'm am the proverbial spring. Screw this place, someday I'll be gone.
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Comments: 1 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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[07 Nov 2006|01:25am] |
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mood |
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 eh? |
] |
I've come to find a great word to describe most people. The context of this word is most often used in a derogative manner and yet I find it to be such a great adjective. Shallow. Most people are shallow, not in the idea that they take advantage of people, or they are jerks, but the idea that they have no depth to them, they are easily seen through, the metaphorical river, you can touch bottom, shallow. I think sometimes I myself am shallow, and I have friends that are at times shallow, but its the people that remain so on such a non-stop consecutive day to day basis of shallow, that agitate me. Your shallow.
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Comments: 10 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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[31 Oct 2006|09:43am] |
I (to whom I will remain myself) sit right where I have always been.
Myself and I, we sit, and time (as usual) does pass again.
And I, to where I manage to stay the same take game in looking past
a glance and gaze through fog and haze, to my father's looking glass.
As each leaf falls past, on in fast sweeping hauls to the ground, they fell,
they glisten, (they) still with will to listen to the stories that he tells.
And I, with eyes to each is just as wide, am whimmed.
To sit, so quite, so still, as the leaves on autumn limbs.
Each red and yellow, or brown, does toss and turn once more
with wind that fondly pushes on our old New England door.
And I am left to sit, and be, for a time that does not last
to sit, and spin the web of words, that is my fathers looking glass.
Frosted are the morning blades, that will dew by late day thaw,
matching to the whiskers, that rest upon, my father's cloud white jaw.
With grace, ageing, has crept my fathers skin, and tracks from packs of the blackest crows
are summoned by his grin.
A wrinkle by his eye that captures me at last, a word from out his mouth,
of a youth that never passed, a voice inside of him that seems to always ask,
"look upon my eyes, my son, your father's looking glass."
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Comments: 7 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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| F C G C (you never sleep alone) |
[10 Oct 2006|09:42am] |
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mood |
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ehhh |
] |
This is heart felt this is good,
This comes right out of where it should.
This is heart to heart, aint no stops or starts,
I know it really ain't that easy babe but it ain't that hard.
So whats a couple thousand miles now, anyway,
And who was the one to make these limitations, whos to say?
Where to draw the line I know that mine are just lines now anway
And what kind of man would I grow to be if I stood behind these lines and never,
And never tried to be free, I'm always tryin to be free.
But my words are just words they don't brake no bones
Can't feel the warmth of my breathe through
Recivers on these telephones
But the look upon your face now says
please gimmie some space some how some way I always thought that this was enough
I know we both knew that this would be tough but
Don't take it out on me, don't take it out on me
I sleep in new locations now
Undisclosed to you, I've grown up and out of this
Cause I was so damn haunted
did that string on your wrist get you the trip that you wanted
and if thats love darlin
then my love has got up and walked out the door
cause my love has seen all of these things before
and if it is wings that you need to fly
well I won't ask questions and I won't ask why
'cause your reasons are changin' the things that your sayin'
I won't be caught dead in these games that your playin'
Your always playin' games, you always stay the same.
*I know that its alright darlin'
Its wrong for me to deny
I know that your alright darlin'
You won't be sleepin' alone tonight
You never sleep alone
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Comments: 4 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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| lacking |
[04 Oct 2006|11:03am] |
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mood |
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lacking |
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music |
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Cold play-fix you |
] |
Lacking, thats how I feel right now. Im lacking of things important to me, Im lacking in motives, in creativity, in comfort and contentment. Im lacking in things I adore, and things that I cherish, lacking in knowing. I'm lacking. I'm sure that as any of my moods do, this will pass as easily as breathing and Ill be fine again. Sometimes though, getting what I need and what I want are one in the same, and thats no good.
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Comments: 2 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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| Whos coming with me? |
[30 Sep 2006|09:45am] |
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mood |
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cranky |
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Another septembers past like all the rest. This transition month once again pulls to a close with no answers. I hate septembers, too much happens, too much gets missed, too much. I'm completely hard up for inspiration, nothing glistens the way it used to. Everything is dying and winter is coming, the great grey beast. What am I going to do with my life? Who is coming with me?
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Comments: 4 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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[26 Sep 2006|11:03am] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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I was in a piss ass mood about 40 minutes ago, but am feeling a little bit better about things. Its cold and raining which doesn't help much. School is still fun but taxing on my finances and time. I will have to decide at the semester where my life will go, I may not have the money to come back. I should really find another job but the one I have is enjoyable, I get paid to drive cars and talk to people all night, it really is wonderful, but I don't think I can sustain a comfortable life with it. The days keep going by, and now another year marked has gone past. At twenty now I'm no more sure of "what I want to be when I grow up" then I did at twelve. Hell even at twelve I didn't know, I never wanted to be a fireman, or police officer, all the other kids seemed to be making career decision then... and now aswell. Passionate I remain though, I suppose direction doesn't matter when you have a cause. Which brings me to my next point. Maria, I've been thinking about her (and her death) alot sense a dream I had the other night. She was sitting in my van waiting for me when I got out of class and convinced me to leave and go "on the road" as she put it. We were to get in all sorts of trouble, and I played my music all the time. Maybe if I knew I would stay young forever, I would do the crazy things she did, but I know that one day I will be old, a withered, right? Did she know she would die so young? Did she ever think she would get old? Maybe thats why she was "crazy" and yet, I think she was the realest person I know. She was sincere, yet questionable, a mysterious girl at best. I need something.
P.S. Joe Tiano hates this entry.
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Comments: 2 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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[26 Sep 2006|08:38am] |
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If grace is what you wanted, I've gone broad away from this, fallen, flat, and wasted, tired, and dissmissed. Thanks again for waiting.
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Comments: a pattern precise
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[14 Sep 2006|10:05am] |
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I feel like a burgaler, maybe the hamburgaler, none the less, like I'm doing something wrong. I'm sitting in my parents house and no one is home. I came over on my way to school and the place is empty, as usual it smells wierd and the AC is on (even though its cool outside). I'm enjoying school, and am actually on my way up there right now, it feels wonderful to stimulate my brain again. My math class is stupid and I believe it is meant for people who droll on themselves, but I have met some great people. My music theory course is lots of fun too, and I am excited for its continuation. Things are ok, money is tight but that is a given, and I'm still looking.
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Comments: 6 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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[10 Sep 2006|03:34pm] |
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I imagine mylife coming together perfectly planned. Everything will one day fall into place and that my childish faith in this fate is no more incorrect then anything else I do. Its so hard to look at a spectrum sometimes, a bigger picture, the "unconnected dots" but the older I get the harder it is for me to believe that some things just arn't happening for reasons. thanks to all that came to my birthday.
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Comments: 1 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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[04 Sep 2006|07:56pm] |
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mood |
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 Out of work |
] |
So things have been interesting lately. I've been living with adam and ashley and it has been fun. My new job at the common man is alot of fun and have met some really awesome people there. My two bosses have grown to me and I get good food everytime I work. I also get to drive nice cars around while smiling at people and smoozing them for tips. My music has been in a lul now that I had finished my demo, but alot of people have had good responses to it. Now I have to find shows. My birthday is on friday and I will be one year closer to death. I don't know, it seems with every year my birthday becomes less and less magical, and more and more mystical. I must have missed it. I am having an "ugly outfit party" at my new casa. Anyone is more then welcome to come. School starts wednesday, and I am happy for that. Life is piecing together and falling apart all at the same time. All that is missing is love (an aeros type love) and sometimes that seems like alot. But I am happy.
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Comments: 5 flaws in the code - a pattern precise
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